About Me
As a self-proclaimed writer (and completely full of shit) I have deiced to create an online journal. Frankly, I need help. I am totally lost and far from human. I desperately need to find someway to connect with myself because at this point (that at which I realize I am an empty, very thin, and fragile piece of existence) there should have been some frequent, and burning quest to connect with someone or something beyond myself, but unfortunately I am completely behind. I have found myself twenty five years old, and stranger to anything that I have ever known, including the person in the mirror. I want to use this blog as an outlet to put myself on the line, and allow the least bit of censorship possible.
Throughout my life I have severely censored my writing, as if someone was going to read it; however, I never let anyone read anything I ever wrote. I kept (and still keep) it all to myself, so the fact that I censored any of it to begin with is pretty ridiculous! In fact, I pretty much approach all communication in this way. Although, I don’t really realize it (cause even now that I am writing it down, I will forget) my matter of vocal communication is subject to so many filters within my mind and through an unrevealing self consciousness that when a thought finally comes to my lips, it falls without a sound. I have had the sad fate of never getting to know myself, never being comfortable with myself, and actually censoring my thoughts from myself. It’s pretty fucked up, and fortunately I am beginning to realize my hallucination. I have always based the concept of who I am on the things that surround me. In a way, I guess I have always been in control of the environment I am in (in order to define myself to certain degrees); however, I will only define myself by my external environment and quiver at the truth that may lye within. I have been like Dorian Grey in a sense, and I have locked the true me away in an attic, and as my soul collects dust, this external shell rules my world with a loose and reckless piece of mind.
It is becoming very clear to me that I have done an excellent job positioning myself about people who reinforce my delusions. I don’t know what the fuck is going on. I really don’t know how it is possible for someone to spend their entire life lying to themselves. What is the point? We have one life, so we have only one opportunity to make change, to have some impact. Why waste it wondering who you are? The worst part about me is that I have spent years and years convincing myself, and others that I am substantial, but unfortunately we’ve all been fooled.
I have wasted a lot of time in my life pretending, and I have willed a certain existence that I have not truly filled. I have spent very little time discovering things, and that is really sad. I have flooded myself with feelings of entitlement and expectation. I have never given anyone a chance to help me because I do not engage; I never want to be wrong, and I am afraid that people will see me. My boyfriend is the polar opposite of me. He is incredibly intelligent, respectful, trustworthy, poetically honest, acutely communicative and absolutely beautiful. He and I are different on so many levels it is a wonder we have stayed together as long as we have. We are not different like, “opposites attract” or maybe we are, but the two of us together are more like two positive sides of a magnet, and it is absolutely impossible for us to connect. The sad thing is that he really wants to connect, and I…well I don’t connect with anything.
I don’t know how a person can go their entire life without connecting with something, but it is possible. I am living proof. I am proof of wasted opportunity and gifts, I am proof that people would rather not think of it than be cornered by responsibility. I am proof of why people can’t stay in relationships or find a relationship. I am proof that dishonestly can get you by especially if you believe it is truth; it’s just a matter of where you plan to end up. I am the one you think you know. I am the one that you want me to be, and everything you don’t.
This is how I feel today, and that will likely change. I may withdraw into denial, or saturate myself with truth, but I am trying to experience my experiences for real, and maybe it will resonate well, and even sink a little deeper if my honesty can dance across the page in indisputable black and white.
8.5.2007
