There is no end and no beginning.  Everyone and everything are the same.  I often wonder about the many people that do in fact experience the same moments, but in slightly different ways, and only because personal experience shapes our existence, and momentary perception are we bound to experience things differently, but it is curious, because I am certain that many people share the exact same things, over and over and over again, and yet, it’s as if it’s really you experiencing  those moments, in different dimensions all at the same time or something… Since there may be an infinite number of possibilities,  then maybe everything that is happening happens to one person, who is every person at the same time, but the slight difference (like the butterfly effect) make things seemingly different when in reality, they are all the same, always.

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And while slipping away from this life louder than most come, you encompass a vague tradition.  With a desperate heart you flounder in life’s beauty, and you disrespect her art.  You simplify her imperfection, and depreciate the negatives to those intricacies you invariably kneel to. The shrapnel that flies recklessly from your lips lodge themselves too deep for your alter ego to recover, or repair.

You’ve lost, in your loneliness, in the frightening emptiness of the mirror; you’ve lost in your head the freedom to forgive, and the memory of acceptance.  She knows the still waters you seek in your guilt soaked solitude, she knows the calming shores you long to tread, so she welcomes you into the presence of beauty, and you shudder at the subtle brilliance of her might. 

I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I’m so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

I was floating above myself
Watching her do just what you wanted
Poor little friendly ghost
Wondering why her whole house feels haunted
I told myself I was strong enuf
That I had plenty of blood to give
And each elbow cradled a needle
But listless and faint ain’t no way to live

So I hope I never see
The ocean again
Pushing and pulling at me
As I go deeper and deeper in
Til I’m so far from my shore
So far from what I came here for
I let you surround me
I let you drown me
Out with your din
And then I learned how to swim

You keep telling me I’m beautiful
But I feel a little less so each time
Your love is so colorful
It flashes like a neon sign
But I finally drove out where
The sky is dark enough to see stars
And I found I missed no one
Just listening to the swishing of distant cars
 

for the side effect of this dirty drug
the way you punish me and then you shrug

what’s with that phone call, baby
it’s like you’re trying
just trying to crush me
do you feel stronger each time you push me, dear
did you tell your mom you carpet bombed
before you left here

and is it just the side effect of this dirty drug
or does each apology sound more like a shrug

are you at home now with your kitty cats
are you just at home now with the way that you act
do you split the rent there with all your secrets
or do you just pretend to all your friends
they’re uninvited guests

yes and when you want it tidy tell me
can you still dispel me
sweep me neatly under the rug
does your conscience ever mention
the way that you treat me
or do you just fend it off with a …

By: Ani Difranco

*I put these words here to take responsibility for shrugging things off myself.    

You lost your way
I disoriented you
You trusted me,
And I lead you astray

So patient, and so clear
You looked into yourself
To understand in a different way
But, I exasperated you to your core

The loss we share
Will not be forgotten
My soul has been stretched
And, your heart, your poor heart

But we are wired this way
And, we fused ourselves
With our own hands,
And our own tools

And here I am now
Listening to drops of irony
Fall into puddles of my behavior
Now pools of hindsight

Yes, I am here
In this darkness
Alone in this life
Without your light

I was born about noon in the shade of magnolias
Wearing the rose-colored glasses of trust
Everything to lose, but still I flew higher
When I took that one fatal glance at the earth

You were born on a night without trees or spectacles
Aspiring to mediocrity and lacking in love
So I knelt on the ground with my knees in the dirt
And now I’m the same height as you

I know in my heart that you’re all that I have
(I’ve lost my faith in sweet-smelling trees)
My rose-colored glasses have turned a dark gray
And my noon in the shade disappeared

It’s hard to believe that it’s worth it to lose
But I happen to know from experience
The wings of naiveté hold so few pounds
And land is more stable than sky

There are many layers, but you do not wish to explore.

What is wrong with you?
I don’t get it.
I must figure it out; there must be a solution.
We can fix you.
I can make you better.
This way is better.
This is how you should be.
You are not this way.
Don’t you want to be this way?
This is the way you should be.
This is the way successful people are.
This is the way you should be.
Why are you doing that again?
You always do that.
You never listen.
Why?
How could you do that again?
We have talked about this before.
You are doing it again.
I can’t believe I put so much energy into to you.
You are a liar.
You don’t want to change.
Look where we are, again.
Back again.
Here we are.
Why are you crying?
It means nothing, you cry all the time.
You are so weak.
You are like a child.
A child.
Your friends are not critical.
You surround yourself with people who are not critical.
They don’t know what they are talking about.
Don’t listen to them.
Listen to me.
I am giving you the tools.
I am helping you.
Why don’t you use these tools?
Your way does not work.
It never works.
Stop doing it that way.
It doesn’t work.
You are broken.
You are delusional.
You need me.
You need me to tell you what to do.
You need me to keep you on track.
You need me.
This is how the world works.
It is not magic.
This is what’s real.
This is real.
What you see is not real.
I am real.
My thoughts are real.
I think.
What you feel, and how you react, it doesn’t mean anything.
It’s just an emotional response.
It doesn’t mean anything.
Don’t you see that?
Hello?
Don’t you see?
It’s right here for you to see.
Look!
Look at me!
What do you think?
This is what you think.
I’ll tell you what you think.
I’ll tell you what you are feeling.
Don’t worry, I will tell you how you feel.
You don’t know how you feel.
You believe what you say, but it’s not real.

11.7.2007